7 Tips for Self-Connection
Have you ever read a line in a book that completely floored you? I mean the kind of line that stops you in your tracks. I’m obsessed with books and read all the time, so it’s often that I come across a line that makes me think, that I’ll highlight, and sometimes even revisit later. But a line that stops me dead in my tracks and changes everything? That happens far less often.
Recently, while reading Brene Brown’s Atlas of the Heart, I came across a line that simultaneously gutted me and made so much of my life make sense. Cue the drama, but seriously, it was that powerful.
Brene says, “Our connection with others can only be as deep as our connection with ourselves.” As if that isn’t enough to bend your brain, she goes on to say, “If I don’t know and understand who I am and what I need, want, and believe, I can’t share myself with you. I need to be connected to myself, in my own body, and learning what makes me work.”
Let that sink in. That is huge, important stuff.
I know I’m not the only one that drank my way through college, making questionable choices under the guise of having fun. I was chasing something, but I didn’t know what or where I was going. As I got older, I found myself in a few serious relationships, but I wouldn’t fully commit. Things didn’t feel right, but I didn’t know what was wrong. I wanted connection, but I wanted to be alone. I knew it wasn’t right, but I didn’t want it to end. Wake up, rinse, repeat… and that was dating in my 20s.
In reality, I was disconnected from myself —I didn’t know myself, and I felt like something was missing. Rather than looking within, I looked outside, again and again, to no avail.
I did a lot of work to realize that I was disconnected and looking outside for answers that I had within. Journaling, meditation, and therapy have been tools that pushed me to look inside, reflect, and make sense of things. It’s not easy, and you won’t always like what you uncover, but it’s necessary if you want to create a life that’s truly yours —a life you love.
So, what can you do today to connect with yourself? I’ve got seven tips for self-connection. These aren’t a magic elixir, but they’re a place to start. These are practices. The more you revisit them, the more your intuition will rise up, and you will come to understand yourself.
Meditate. Get silent and get still. Meditation should be accessible —I like to sit cross-legged on a meditation cushion, but if that is not possible for you, find a comfortable seat or even lay down. Focus on your breathing. To help bring focus to the breath, breathe in for four, hold it for four, and exhale for four. Repeat, and continue to count to yourself for as long as necessary. As thoughts come up, refocus on your breath. Start with five minutes and show up daily. Increase the time if you feel like you can, but if not, let five minutes be enough. If you miss a day, that’s life. Start again.
Move. Notice I didn’t say exercise. More often than not, my movement is exercise, but it doesn’t have to be. Walk, dance, ride a bike, play a sport for fun… whatever works for you, do it. Movement will expand your consciousness, open your mind, and it will help you let go of negative thoughts and tension. Try it! Bonus points if you have fun with it.
Embrace solitude. Be by yourself. Be with yourself. Take a couple of hours. Better yet, take a day or a weekend. Spend your time doing what you want to do —not what your boo wants to do, not what your kids want to do… what you want to do. How you spend your time when you're alone will tell you a lot about yourself. I like to take “Think Trips”. Check on my post on them here.
Visualization. This is a powerful tool often used by athletes. They visualize the game, their performance, and the win before it ever happens. I like to do a two part visualization. To set the stage, close your eyes, focus on your breath, and visualize a gold, warm light enveloping you from above. Then, practice gratitude. Visualize a memory that you believe brought you to this moment. Feel the memory, and feel the gratitude. Next, focus on how you want to feel —how you want to feel that day, how you want to feel in the future. Then, follow that feeling, and allow it to bring a vision of experiences or goals that could enable you to feel that feeling. This truly is about allowing. Focus on the feeling you desire and allow the visual to come to you. Once you have something in mind, go deeper. Visualize the details. Feel all of it. Go back to your breath, and when you’re ready, open your eyes.
Journal. I have been journaling since I was seven years old. I bought my first journal on a cross-country trip from Boston to Arizona . I started recording the things I did every day and how I felt. My practice has evolved over the years. Julia Cameron, author of The Artist’s Way, recommends Morning Pages. This practice is writing three pages the first thing in the morning. No stopping. No editing. Let your thoughts flow across the page. I have found this helpful. It clears out anything weighing on me before I step into my day. I’ve discovered things, both good and bad, lurking beneath the surface, and it is healing and revealing when you put it on paper. I practice Morning Pages daily, and I also journal to reflect, to unload my negative energy on the page rather than on someone I love, and to let my creativity flow. If you’re worried about someone reading what you wrote, write it down and rip it up when you’re done. It can be helpful to hold onto your writing to reflect, but if the thought of someone reading your truth is a big enough obstacle to stop you from writing, then use it as an exercise to connect with yourself and let it go.
Set your intentions. Everything we do, think, and feel is motivated by an intention. I believe that what we put out into the world is what we get back. Be clear on what your intentions are. When I wake up in the morning, before my feet hit the floor, I ask myself what my intention is for that day. I take a few deep breaths and see what comes up. This isn’t listing out your to-dos for the day. Rather, focus on a feeling. What do you need or what do you want to bring to others that day? Let your intention guide you as you think and act throughout the day.
Self-inquiry. Ask yourself tough questions. Personally, I write my responses. This is an exercise to get to your truth —understand how you feel, your desires, your longings, what you enjoy… and really anything else you want to know about yourself. When you first start dating someone, you ask endless questions. You want to know them. You want to understand them. Do the same for yourself. Give yourself that gift. Quality questions can empower you to create a quality life. They direct your mental focus and ultimately determine how you think and feel. I include these kinds of questions in my weekly newsletter. Get on the list! I’ve included a few below to get you started.
How can I use this experience to appreciate myself?
What excites me in my life?
Where do I experience resistance or resentment? How can I find my voice and ask for what I need from those I love?
You’re not going to practice all seven tips for self-connection daily, but make time for at least one of them. Experiment. See what works for you. In the process, you’ll be connecting with yourself, and you just might be surprised with what you learn.
